I woke up on Wednesday to some really sad news. One of my friends had committed suicide.

I have been meaning to write a blog post about it every day since then, but I just haven’t been able to. Honestly, I’m not really even sure what – if anything – to say. Brian and I weren’t all that close personally, I don’t want to pretend that we were, but he was a very good friend of one of my very good friends and as such we had spent a fair amount of time together. To me he was a totally normal, seemingly completely happy guy who was always fun to be around. However, from what I was told, he inexplicably transformed from his normal contented self to horribly depressed to dead by his own hand within a matter of only two weeks. It seems hopeless to look for reason in this sort of madness… so I won’t even try.

My own reactions to tragedy seem to be both delayed and largely internalized. Furthermore, I wasn’t sure whether I should even write or say anything in a public place like this. My personal sadness is nothing compared to that of his family and those people who knew him so much better than I did.

Still, I haven’t been able to fall asleep since I heard the news. I lay awake in bed, waiting in the darkness for tomorrow. After an hour or two, when I finally do fall asleep, I’ve been having strange but powerful dreams that leave me feeling sad when I wake up.

It will pass.

Brian is the second kid I knew who has killed himself. I don’t know what to think about that; I guess it just is.