Fantasy on the Horizon
August 21st, 2008 Posted in Internal MonologueThe first game of the NFL regular season is fast approaching, and with it the beginning of the Naked Bootleg’s title defense. Ok, so maybe not a “title defense,” but certainly a “championship game appearance defense.”
It is a little bit sad for me actually. Last year I joined my roommates’ fantasy football league as a joke. I essentially set out to prove that for all their bravado and obnoxious shit-talk, someone (me) who knew absolutely nothing about football could beat them at their own game. And of course I did. But now, one year later, I have nothing left to prove… well, other than the notion that I have become as completely lame and over-obsessed as I used to ridicule them for being.
Good God I am pathetic.
I can’t help it, though! I dominated so hard last year that I feel almost obligated to dominate again, lest they think my ownage was a fluke. Having claimed the throne I must now endeavor to remain the king.
And why merely be the King of one league when I can throw down my cruel code of justice upon three leagues?!
Oh yeah. The Bootlegs have multiplied.
This season I will be hitting for the cycle, exerting my dominance in an Auction League, a Keeper League, and the Standard League from last year. I hope this makes me three times cooler, but it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that I am actually three times more of a douchebag instead.
My only saving grace here is that I am taking fantasy football to a whole ‘nother level. Not content to play it safe - or even “by the rules” - this year’s teams will not only push the limits of human imagination, they may also push the technical limits of ESPN’s fantasy website.
The Auction League : (The Donut Plains Banana Snipes)
The auction draft isn’t for another two weeks and I don’t want to tip my hand early. Let’s just say that I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve.
The Keeper League : (The Black Out City Tube Steaks)
I took over the team previously managed by Bill’s uncle, but I hadn’t owned the team for more than five minutes before I had already made my first trade. Tonight I finalized my second trade, transforming last year’s runner-up into a guaranteed championship roster. Before the draft even takes place my team is:
Tom Brady
Jamal Lewis
Wes Welker
TJ Houshmandzadeh
Larry Johnson
Anthony Gonzalez
The Standard League : (The V-Town Naked Bootlegs)
This is where the real fun will take place. A couple weeks ago Lukas proposed a simple draft pick swap, which I then countered with a swap of my own. He re-countered my counter offer… which I then countered. Eventually we agreed to terms and what was originally a two or three-pick swap ultimately evolved into a 12-pick trade that required the use of multiple color-coded Excel spreadsheets to even understand. The trade required approval from the league commissioner, but it took Lukas and I nearly thirty minutes to explain to Zurek how the trade actually worked.
I took a couple screen shots to better convey the awesomeness.
(yeah, Lukas’s team is named “JasonLikesBalls.” Hilarious.)
When it was over I left a message to the league that said this:
Good work, Lukas… I am pretty sure that one of us is a sucker here, but I’m not sure who.
Naturally, my guess is that the answer to that question is Me.
For his part, Lukas had this to say:
man
it feels good
we just completed the most badass trade everi’ve never seen anything remotely like that
And as for the reaction of other league members?
Corey: omg..
what a wajJim: Jesus.
Of course the true effects of this momentous trade remain to be seen.
Perhaps Lukas and I summed it up best:
me: well if nothing else this season is already a success because of our trade
it could easily become a giant warning sign or embarassment for us both
in future years people will point back at this as the greatest fantasy blunder in historyLukas: haha
but what if….
we both make the championship game again after going 1-2 in our division.
i’m pretty sure that would be the ultimate burn.
The Ultimate Burn indeed.
8 People Care
lukas
Given we were 1-2 in the division AND made the championship game, I do think it would be hilarious if we spoiled their league for a second straight year.
Corey
This trade is the lamest thing ever.
Jim
In response to this sentence: “I essentially set out to prove that for all their bravado and obnoxious shit-talk, someone (me) who knew absolutely nothing about football could beat them at their own game.”
To be somewhat fair to the league I have to respond to that. You really don’t have to know that much at all about actual football to be good at Fantasy Football. In the end, it’s mostly about math. You don’t need to watch and understand an actual game. You just need to look at the stats of your players. So I don’t really think you can say that you came in and beat us at our own game by knowing absolutely nothing. All you need to be good at fantasy football is dedication and the ability to read and analyze numbers. Obviously, you have the dedication and math skills that are greater than most everyone in the league (Bill is better at math than you). It’s not like you drafted your team last year based on the mascots you like and then didn’t touch your roster for the rest of the year. You immediately immersed yourself in the league.
I’m not saying this as a cut to you. I’m just trying to defend the league because when you put the way you put it in the above quote it makes us sound like huge noobs — which I don’t think we are for the most part.
Anyway, it should be an interesting year. And I wouldn’t exactly call your Keeper League roster a “guaranteed championship roster” when you’re rolling the dice with TWO white wide receivers.
blue
yo - lukas and you should join up our NU alumni league (free one on yahoo, nothing spiffy)
League ID#: 84562
Password: cats
we need two more anyway. dominate in FOUR
wyvern
Come on, Jim. I was not taking a personal shot at your integrity. I wasn’t calling you guys “noobs”… I was calling you obnoxious and douchey.
Although, even that wasn’t so much about you as it was about having to live with Zurek, Bill, and Austin and being woken up at 8am every Sunday morning.
Jim
Did the tone of my post come off as defensive? Sorry about that…my comment was meant to be said in a light tone.
wyvern
I didn’t take it personally, but yeah… it sounded a bit defensive. I forgive you though. I assume you are just nervous about being in my division this season.
burn.
lukas
Man, these sound like those super serious dramaztic posts on CG back in the day. Come on Jim, I should think an 0-12 for Jason will pretty much crush his soul till he never shows his face again (and probably shuts down his blog).