Mar 25
Yeah. This is my third post of the day… and it’s about The Bachelor.
I jumped the gun a little bit and posted my picks for this season before Matt had a chance to see the premiere. As such he was accidentally given early access to advanced information. When we finally had our draft the results were predictable. Matt got the first pick in our American Idol draft so I was given the first pick in the Bachelor draft. Naturally, with my first pick I took Robin. Zurek got the next two picks and it was completely obvious who he would spend his first on: Amanda R. But then for some reason he threw the third round pick away by choosing Carri. You may remember Carri from the bottom of my post where I declared her to be “possible-but-very-unlikely” – at best she was a long-shot sleeper pick. Honestly, there’s simply no excuse for Zurek taking her in the early rounds.
It came back to me with the fourth pick and I found myself facing a serious dilemma. I truly believe that the only two girls who have any shot of winning the whole thing are Robin and Amanda (in that order). No matter who I used my second pick on it would be a wasted effort. I was torn between the other girls that I mentioned in my initial rankings, but last minute I decided that since the pick was worthless anyways I would use it to make a super bold statement. I chose Ashlee. See, here’s the thing: Ashlee will put out. I don’t think that she has any chance to win the whole season, but I think that she is a total lock to make the final four and earn the Fantasy Suite date. That girl wants to bang; it’s obvious. So, my reasoning in choosing Ashlee is that the Bachelor will keep her around until the final four so that he can have sex with her. She will then almost certainly go out in fourth place – third at best – but once she’s in the final four I suppose that anything is possible. With four girls left I will have both of my two picks (Robin and Ashlee) up against Zurek’s one (Amanda R.) and at that point I should have the advantage.
It’s called Advanced Strategy. Some of us are just born with it.
| 1st Pick: Robin (Jason) |
2nd Pick: Amanda R. (Zurek) |
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| 3rd Pick: Carri (Zurek) |
4th Pick: Ashlee (Jason) |
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Anyways, Jim pointed out that I was being a little bit cocky with all my Bachelor talk. Well, don’t ever let it be said that I wouldn’t put my money where my mouth is…
THE BET
Zurek’s obscene confidence in his Bachelor handicapping abilities is rivaled only my own so it was predictable that a bet would eventually emerge. With our draft completed the negotiating soon began. Because of our mutually insane overconfidence in this particular arena the stakes of the bet transcended mere money. At first Matt proposed that the winner gets to punch the loser in the arm. I countered by suggesting that the loser had to grow a neck beard for a month. Zurek rejected that proposal, but the ideas kept flowing. This is what we ended up agreeing to:
If I win
Immediately following the final Rose Ceremony I get to give Zurek a Larry David haircut.
I will shave the top of his head bald and leave a ring of hair around the outside. He is required to keep his hair this way for one full week. He is also required to attend work (at the Apple Store) without a hat on for at least one day. Finally, he is required to go out to a bar with me one night without any sort of hat or bandana.
If Zurek wins
1) I have to grow a mustache for one full month.
2) I have to hold “Zurek Week” on this website.
I really hate facial hair, particularly stache’s, but Zurek will allow me to grow out a goatee or beard – whatever I want so long as I rock a month-long mustache. Because a ‘stache isn’t exactly on par with shaving off the top of your head I will also be required to host “Zurek Week” on LittleWyvern. During that week Matt will act as Editor-in-Chief: providing me daily topics and photographs with which I must then write full, sarcasm-free odes to the greatness of Matt Zurek.
I don’t know which is going to hurt me more.
The bet is only valid if one of our four picks actually wins at the end of the season (there better not be any more Deanna-style bullshit). When the time comes, if the loser decides that he doesn’t want to face the music (or electric clippers) he is required to pay a $50 penalty to get out of the bet.
If you haven’t seen this week’s episode of The Bachelor… STOP READING NOW
Our bet was made after the season premiere but before we watched the second episode, which aired tonight. Zurek wanted to watch the episode first and then make the bet, but I demanded that we deal immediately.
Thank God I was stubborn.
Here are the key events of Episode 2…
1) Ashlee (my second pick, the whore) got the first kiss of the season.
2) Robin (my first pick) got the second kiss of the season.
3) Nobody else got a kiss.
4) Ashlee got the rose on her group date.
4) Robin got the first rose at the ceremony.
5) Holly (my sleeper pick) got the second rose at the ceremony.
6) Carri (Zurek’s second pick) decided to randomly sing opera and was sent home.
Boom! We are only two episodes in and one of Matt’s picks has already been eliminated. My daring plan to go with the slut is working swimmingly and my number one recruit is quietly reigning at the top of the leader board.
It’s already time to panic, Zurek.
Just remember to use a lot of sunscreen – a bald head will probably burn pretty easily.