I don’t know what you want from me here, but is it enough to say that I lost my fantasy match against Lukas? Would it be better if I quoted the text message that Lukas sent me Sunday afternoon, while the games were still being played even though the outcome was obvious?

“your team got so completely wrecked by mine. Better ruck tomorrow!”

It was ugly. Stepsister ugly. I went into the second week of the match down 41 points and my only real goal was to cut into that deficit and ultimately lose by less. Well mission failed because in the end I lost by more than 100. In fact, in the second week alone Lukas’s team scored almost as many points as my team did in both weeks combined. Terrific!!

Wow, Wyvern, you sure sound good at fantasy football! Tell me, how did the weekend go down?

Well, let’s start with something easy. On Sunday morning I checked the weather using a computer in the lobby of the Courtyard Inn that I was staying in for the weekend. The winds during the Giants-Bills game were being clocked at 40mph with gusts up to 60mph… all around ideal conditions for a game that featured two of my quarterbacks. It didn’t matter who I put in my lineup, both of my possible choices were set to play in a hurricane! Hilarious. As my dad checked us out of the hotel and yelled at me to, “hurry the fuck up and get in the car,” I dropped one of the quarterbacks from my roster and went with the best available option by picking up Troy Smith and sticking him into my starting lineup. He was making his very first ever NFL start – and for a super shitty team at that! – but he won the Heisman and at least he was a Question Mark. I was reasonably sure that everyone else was going to suck. I had no idea what Troy Smith could do. I will take the potentially horrible over the probably horrible just about every time.

He actually had a decent game, too. Well, the Ravens got destroyed… but Troy Smith had a statistically decent game.

Yeah, Wyvern, but Smith was a scrub from the getgo. What about all your good players?

Funny you should ask. I’ll make this quick.

Peyton Manning – he did good. I wish that I had a whole team of Peyton Mannings.

Tony Gonzalez – T-Gonz is a stud. Him and Peyton should date and then I could draft a fantasy team consisting only of their babies. Awkward? Probably. I can only imagine how even more baller he would be if someone other than Brodie Croyle were throwing to him.

Willis McGahee – by far my most consistently good player. He managed to run for 10 yards before breaking two ribs in the first quarter of the game and being taken off the field and ending his season. Result: 1 fantasy point!!

Joey Galloway – one of the NFL’s top receivers. He was benched early in the second quarter of the game to avoid injury leading into the team’s upcoming playoff run. He managed only one catch, though it went for nearly 30 yards. Result: 3 fantasy points!!

Deion Branch – when healthy he is an elite receiver. He wasn’t so elite on Sunday, though, catching just 2 passes for 24 yards. Result: 4 fantasy points!!

Anthony Gonzalez – rookie reciever on the Colts, filling in for Marvin Harrison. He scored three touchdowns in the previous two games and averaged 20 fantasy points across the previous four games. Sunday? 2 catches for 22 yards before leaving the game with an injury in the second quarter. Result: 4 fantasy points!!

Mason Crosby – my kicker. my highest scoring player last week (15 points). This week Green Bay got completely served by Chicago (Kyle Orton ftw) and Crosby never even got on the field. One extra point. Zero field goal attempts. Result: 1 fantasy point!!

The Vikings Defense – the number three overall defense heading into this week having scored double digit points in four of the previous five games. But on Sunday? Zero interceptions, zero fumble recoveries. Result: Negative 2 fantasy points!!

In 16 weeks of fantasy football my team, The Naked Bootlegs, scored less than 100 points in a week only three times. The first time was in week 8 when I suffered my very first loss, snapping my much celebrated (by me at least) seven-game winning streak. The other two times? Weeks 15 and 16. Two of my three worst weeks (by a lot) occurred during the championship.

I have always been good with timing.