Oct 26
**Warning** This post was written and published without any spellchecking or proofreading of any kind.**Slash Warning**
As some of you may know, while I am a generally friendly guy, I have a very low tolerance for certain types of people. Last weekend one of these people came over to my apartment. Hijinks of course ensued, and now Brian wants me to tell the story about what actually happened. I don’t think this falls into the realm of Hilarious, but you might find it more entertaining than whatever work you’re actually supposed to be doing right now.
Among the personality types I can’t stand is the stereotypical Bitch. I absolutely despise girls who think they are ‘all that’, no matter how much they pretend to downplay it. There’s no bigger turn off for me than a girl whose ego is larger than mine. Besides, whenever a girl claims – whether through her actions or outright verbal declarations – to be smarter or better than me, she must be lying. And I hate liars.
Almost as much as I hate beehotches, I also find it difficult to tolerate a girl with an agenda – an ulterior motive if you will. Plainly, girls who play games. (I also hate guys who do it, but I don’t really have to deal with them as much.) When you hear a girl say one thing, and know she means another… I immediately lose interest. Well, that’s not really true. While I stop listening to the words she is saying, I pay closer attention to the things that she actually means. I treat her as the subject of an experiment: observing her, critiquing the methods she uses to accomplish her goal. As an example, I knew this girl in college who I liked at first but was never able to feel comfortable around. It took a little while but I finally figured out why. She had no actual personality of her own – none that I could find anyway. Instead, she would adapt to the personalities and interests of the people around her. I was never able to actually get to know her because everything she did and said felt like an act meant to make me like her. If I mentioned that I was reading a book, she would claim to love reading despite not actually having any favorite books of any kind. In time I couldn’t stand to be around her. I have actually known several girls who went to ridiculously elaborate lengths in hopes of capturing a particular boy’s attention or favor. Perhaps this is just human nature. That’s no excuse, though.
So anyway, last weekend two girls came over to our apartment, and one of the two fell quite nicely into both of these pet-peeve personality groups. The aura about her felt uncomfortable even before she arrived. The girl is 26 years old, 3 years older than me, and 5 years older than each of my roommates. It seemed as though we had an adult coming to visit and none of us knew how we were supposed to entertain her. What do 26 year olds do for fun, anyway?
By the time the girls arrived both Bill and Austin were already quite drunk. In their inebriated state the guys did what most normal guys do: they hit on the girls in awkward and uncomfortably forward ways. I hadn’t really been drinking so I was my normally cool, calm, sexy self. After a short period of introductions and awkward conversation, we all started drinking and having a good time. Eventually the younger of the girls had to go home, but the 26 year old decided to stay. At that point the older girl was getting pretty drunk, but although I had been drinking all night I was still my typical too-cool-for-school self.
I have to admit that while I wasn’t acting the fool, the alcohol may have diminished my inhibitions ever so slightly. The girl had an attitude that had been gradually attacking my nerves all night. However, once enough alcohol had passed my lips I suddenly stopped putting up with her shit. Now, had I wanted to hook up with this girl, I should have perhaps proceded differently. As it were, I didn’t know the girl in the first place, and I didn’t really ever want to. She was Austin’s classmate, not mine. Once that fact were lodged in my mind, instead of the “oooh… a girl! I hope she likes me!” mentality, my life became much easier.
Here are a few of the night’s scenarios and what I perhaps should have done, followed by what I actually did.
Situation – The girl and I are left alone out on our patio when Austin and Bill go inside to get some more beer. She comes up next to me and comments that I am cute, but I don’t talk very much: the strong silent type.
Should Do – Smile and say something smooth.
Actually Did – Make a casual remark to the effect of “That’s okay, you talk loud enough for the both of us.”
Situation – The song Superman by Eminem starts playing in the apartment and the girl claims that this is her favorite song on Eminem’s latest album, Encore. I say that I also like the song, but with respect it isnt on Encore, it is from the album The Eminem Show. The girl gets upset and calls me a liar, claiming that she has the cd in her car and she will “go fucking get it” and prove me wrong.
Should Do – “That’s not necessary. My mistake.”
Actually Did – Labeled her either Confused or Stupid and forced her to come into my room and watch as I checked the albums’ track listings off of Amazon. When I was shown to be right, I did a little dance.
Situation – The girl embarks on a pathetically lame attempt at playing hard-to-get by repeatedly threatening to leave our apartment unless we all pay more attention to her. She finally stands up and walks to the door announcing, “You know, I can always just leave.”
Should Do – “Oh no… please stay. I’m soooo sorrry….”
Actually Did – “Good. Get the fuck out so we don’t have to listen to your constant whining.”
Situation – At this point it is absurdly obvious that she is trying to bag Austin, making it all the less important to me whether I come across as a nice guy. When the hard-to-get routine fails to work the girl decides to play the jealousy card. She leaves Austin’s side and crosses to where I am sitting in my super comfy chair. She puts her arm around my head, pets my hair, and comments to nobody in particular, “See, Jason is a nice guy. Once Austin is gone we should spend more time together.”
Should Do – I dont actually know. The situation was so creepy and awkward that I can’t even imagine the right play to make. What would you do?
Actually Did – Sitting up and away from the girl, “Do me a huge favor and please don’t touch me. In fact, don’t talk to me, either.”
Hmmm… out of context my actions make me out to be a gigantic douchebag. Oh well, she started it.