Nov 25
I am reasonably certain that I am not adopted, but there are a lot of times where that would seem to make sense. It would answer a lot of questions at the very least. When we were kids my sister, brother, and I all had a lot in common. We liked the same sorts of things, we had the same friends, and played the same games, often with each other. Ever since high school I have grown farther and farther apart from my family. I am to the point now where I feel almost like a stranger amongst them. A close family friend who occasionally sleeps in the basement. I don't have a room at my house anymore. All of my stuff has been boxed up and tucked into storage. I put a few pictures in the basement guest room that I use when I am around, but they are quickly forgotten amongst the miscellaneous objects and piles of old clothes that have been increasingly dumped into that room. Whenever I do come home I manage to clear off the bed enough to sleep. As morning arrives I make the bed and replace the piles of junk, my bedroom is once more a storage closet. I admit that this doesn't help to make my home feel like home.
For those who don't know, my brother, Eric, failed out of college at Iowa and moved back home to attend community college. He talks of going back to Iowa, but the smart money is against that happening. My sister's story is slightly more involved but no less depressing. Andrea had a golf scholarship to Michigan State but screwed around one too many times in high school and got pregnant. Wanting to do the right thing the guy proposed, my sister agreed, and the two got married and had a baby. Andrea dropped out of college and moved to California to live with her new husband, Justin, and have her baby. Things seemed fine for a while and my sister quickly had another baby. Soon after Bridgette was born their problems got too hard to handle and my sister moved back to chicago and back in with my parents. She took the two kids with her and they have been living here for the past year (the girls took over my bedroom, thus I sleep in the basement). While my brother and sister watched their lives fall to shit I did my best to keep on track. Now having to support my brother, sister, and two grandchildren my parents were becoming more financially strapped. I wanted to be cut loose of it all as quickly as possible and, though I haven't mentioned it to many people, I decided to graduate from Northwestern early in large part so that my parents would have one less bill to pay. One less person to worry about. While there were other reasons, it seemed at the time that the best way I could help my family was to make sure that they didn't have to worry about me. I got my diploma, got a job, and moved into my own apartment.
I suppose that it was by conscious choice that I have become separated from my family. I refused their offers to move back home. My parents offered to buy me a car as a graduation present, but I refused that as well. I didn't know how to explain it to them, but it felt incredibly wrong that 1) graduation was something that deserved a reward and 2) that I should ask them to spend money on me that would be better spent amongst themselves. I wanted to be self sufficient. And even though I wasn't, I would at least try to be as best I could. I wonder if I am alone in this. Is this a sentiment shared by my brother or sister?
I suppose that by the time all of this happened I was already a terribly different person than either of my siblings. I don't believe it was the situation that made the person in either case. Rather, the situation was the natural result of the people they are. As sad as it may be to say, and as awful as it may be to hear, in a lot of ways I am ashamed of the way my family has turned out. I wonder if my parents ever feel that way. I wonder if my sister thinks her life as much of a mess and failure as it often seems to me. I wonder if my brother has any hope of turning his life around. I suppose that I should get down to it and explain to you why I am even bothering to write this journal entry. I had wanted to write an entry but as of an hour ago it was going to be about the value of achievement and talent. However, my sister is out at a bar tonight and I came across her computer, which I noticed had an IM window stretched across the screen. Whether it was wrong to have browsed the conversation is not something I want to discuss. More importantly was how the conversation began.
** NOTE: Normally I believe that family business stays within the family. I have kept quiet about a shitload of things and have had a hard time doing so, but I dont think I will be able to sleep if I dont get this off my mind and onto paper. **
Piglet1842: He signed the papers today. Like actually signed them. He said he was going to go and put them in the mail right away too. He didn't argue about much or have a lawyer look at them or anything. He questioned the sole custody thing and I explained to him what it should have said and then he was just like, well as long as we understand eachother. Dude! IDIOT! you signed it and now its final. I go by the divorce contract not some verbal agreement. I seriously think I just got everything I wanted. Like everything!!! I may be celebrating tonight yet
If she was here instead of out at a bar I would be hard pressed not to spit in my sister's face. How does a person become like this? How can you hate someone so completely to take from them that which is most important in their lives? And to not even do it honestly? I want to scream. I want to punch something. I want to run through the snow until I collapse from exhaustion. Tonight I am ashamed of my family, and I hate it. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate my sister for being that way. I hate them all for allowing us to become this way.
Last year I took a few days off of work to fly out to California with my dad and sister to help her move back to chicago. Justin picked us up from the airport and went with us to rent a Uhaul. He helped us box and load up most of the items in their house. He stood on the driveway and watched as we took his life away from him. And I helped. I should have said no. When my mom asked me to fly out there, I had wanted to say no. The situation was obviously not my fault, but I wanted no part in these terrible events. And yet, family is family, and so I helped. I hated every minute I was there. I don't want to live in a world without empathy, but too often I feel as though I am the only one blessed with that gift. I felt genuinely bad for Justin. I could see it in his eyes, the shrug of his shoulders, the way he pleaded with my sister to let him keep just a few of his favorite things. My sister was cold and callous throughout it all. And despite her icy nature, I could tell Justin still cared for her. My sister knew this too, to be sure, but rather than find compassion, she used those feelings against him. Turned his love into weakness and ended up with far more than she might have otherwise. To this day I don't know what happened between them. I don't know why my sister hates him so much, but at this point I don't care. I can't imagine a series of events that would lead me to find honor in my sister's actions. I can't imagine a situation where Justin is the worse of the two. I hope I never know what it is like to be heartless. Until recently, I would have never thought it was in my blood.
I have decided to call Justin. Tomorrow I will ask my sister for his phone number and then I will give him a call. We are not very close, but Justin has always been good to me. He deserves to know what my sister and mother are conspiring. They want only to keep Heather and Bridgette away from their daddy. How can I sit back and watch this sick play unfold? Against the legal might of my parents combined, Justin has little chance of success. But he deserves every chance he can get. I hope to be a father myself one day, and it would break my heart to have my children taken from me. No matter what has transpired between my sister and her husband, their kids should not have to suffer because of it. I expect that this phone call will make my family quite mad. But right now, I simply don't give a shit. If Justin gets to see his daughters, but I am not allowed to sleep in the basement… so be it. At what point does one's principle outweigh one's sense of loyalty? And why should my loyalty be felt any stronger towards my sister than towards my nieces? Or towards Justin, for that matter? I want desperately to do the right thing, but it is sometimes hard to know what that is. I can only trust my heart and follow my convictions. I will deal with the consequences as they arise, but do so without doubt or regret.
I hope I am different. I hope you think me a good person.