LittleWyvern.com

As a birthday present my mom bought me a three-month membership to eHarmony. I specifically asked her NOT to when she asked the week before, but she signed me up just the same. Clearly two grandchildren is not enough, and Eric isn’t picking up my slack. I still don’t like the idea of online dating, but apparently the Creepy Factor has fallen significantly in recent years and who am I if not a punch-drinking zealot before the altar of the Internet. And who knows, I might just meet somebody somewhat normal and interesting. Of course, that person I met online could also end up cutting my head off, but that’s probably the worst case scenario. Logically thinking, a website like eHarmony probably wouldn’t stay in business for too long if all their customers were being beheaded.

I haven’t invested myself too deeply in the process just yet, skipping over the essay questions and going straight to the multiple choice. I don’t want to post my entire profile here, but as an example of how bizarre this entire experience is I will post my list of “Can’t Stands.” In this section of the questionnaire I am given a list of about 40 character traits and told to “Examine the list of items below and select Ten qualities that you can’t stand to have in a potential mate.” Here are the ten that I chose:

Lying…
I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude…
I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Judgmental…
I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
Racist…
I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Cynicism…
I can’t stand someone who generally sees the world from a cynical perspective.
Cheating…
I can’t stand someone who takes advantage of people.
Depressed…
I can’t stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
Infidelity…
I can’t stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Mean Spirited…
I can’t stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Intolerance…
While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can’t stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.

I think that those are all pretty standard answers, although I don’t really see how that is going to help their software find me a match. Nowhere on the questionnaire is there a place where I can describe myself as “mean spirited” or “intolerant.” At best I would assume the website tries to match you with people who ALSO can’t stand lying, cheating, depressives. I certainly would hope that matches me with pretty much everyone. And if that is the case then I am left to believe that I am matched with people solely based on the degree to which I can’t stand these things. After all, I was given 40-odd terrible choices and asked which ten I thought were the MOST terrible. The internal debates that this sort of system brings about are not at all helpful.

Hmm… racist. Yeah I don’t want to date a rascist. Or a liar. Or a hypochondriac (that’s honestly a choice). Dammit, I can only pick ten. Well, I guess I’d rather date a fiscally irresponsible hypochondriac than a compulsively lying racist. What about a materialistic, self-centered, drug addict? Eh, I still think it would be more awkward to date a judgmental, clinically depressed racist. Alright, well how about an arrogant, excessively overweight, undependable, foul-mouthed pornography addict?

Yeah, that’s fine. As long as she’s not a racist.

I can’t wait to see my next match!!